Can I start alone if my partner refuses?

Yes. Many people begin individually, and partners sometimes join later once they see it is not about blame.

Do sessions have to be in person?

No. Online couples sessions work well, including when one partner is upcountry or abroad.

Is counselling appropriate if there is violence?

Joint counselling is not safe while abuse is happening. Get to safety, call 1195 or 999/112, and seek individual support from a provider experienced in gender-based violence.

Will the counsellor tell us to stay together?

No. The goal is clarity and a workable way forward — whether that is repair, or separating with less harm.

Knowledge Centre

Topic guide

Relationships

This page is a starting point, not a diagnosis. If you'd like to speak to someone, Ventcare's verified therapists and counselling centres are ready to help.

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What this can mean

Relationship difficulties can involve communication breakdowns, conflict, trust issues, or feeling disconnected from a partner or family member.

When it may help to seek support

If conflict feels stuck, communication has broken down, or you and a partner or family member want an outside perspective, couples or family counselling can help.

What a first session looks like

A counsellor typically hears from everyone involved about what's happening and what each person hopes to change, then agrees on how sessions will work going forward.

Also known in Kiswahili as Ushauri wa wanandoa na familia.

Everyday signs people describe

The same argument on repeat, with no resolution
Silence, stonewalling or walking out instead of talking
Trust broken by infidelity, secrecy or money
Feeling like housemates rather than partners
Pressure from in-laws or extended family shaping decisions in your home
Fear during conflict — if there is violence or threats, safety comes first

In the Kenyan context

Money is one of the most common flashpoints: who earns, black-tax obligations to extended family, and undisclosed loans or side businesses.
In-law and extended-family expectations, including around children, land and traditions, feature in a large share of couples' sessions.
Long-distance arrangements — one partner upcountry or working abroad — put strain on communication and trust.
Church and family elders often mediate first; counselling is not a replacement for that support, but it adds a neutral, confidential and trained perspective.
Separation and custody conversations are easier when a counsellor helps both people stay focused on the children.

Common beliefs, and the reality

“Counselling means the marriage has failed.”

Most couples come to protect the relationship, not to end it. Coming earlier gives you more to work with.

“The counsellor will take sides.”

A trained couples counsellor works for the relationship, holds both perspectives, and keeps the room fair.

“Both partners must agree before anything can change.”

Individual counselling still helps you set boundaries, communicate differently and decide what you want.

What can help before or alongside therapy

Agree a time to talk when neither of you is hungry, drunk or exhausted.
Speak in 'I' terms — what you felt and needed — instead of listing what they always do.
Take a 20-minute break when it escalates and return to it; the body needs that long to settle.
Put money in the open: incomes, debts, contributions and family obligations on one list.
Protect one small shared routine each week that has nothing to do with logistics.
If you are afraid of your partner, plan for safety first and call 1195 for help.

Kinds of support offered here

Couples counselling

Both partners in the room, working on communication, trust and repair.

Family therapy

Useful where parents, teenagers or extended family are part of what is stuck. Sessions may combine joint and individual time.

Premarital counselling

Money, family expectations, faith, children and conflict styles discussed before marriage — widely offered in Kenya.

Individual therapy

For when your partner is not ready, or you need your own space to work out what you want.

Questions people ask

Can I start alone if my partner refuses?: Yes. Many people begin individually, and partners sometimes join later once they see it is not about blame.
Do sessions have to be in person?: No. Online couples sessions work well, including when one partner is upcountry or abroad.
Is counselling appropriate if there is violence?: Joint counselling is not safe while abuse is happening. Get to safety, call 1195 or 999/112, and seek individual support from a provider experienced in gender-based violence.
Will the counsellor tell us to stay together?: No. The goal is clarity and a workable way forward — whether that is repair, or separating with less harm.